Aug. 6, 2008 – English 8, 10

Focused Freewriting to Develop an Essay

Today is the first time that you will have homework! Sorry 😦

Here are the instructions for the homework:

  1. Pick a topic (ice cream, cars, school, sleep, movies, or television)
  2. Do a five minute focused freewrite on your chosen topic
  3. Using your focused freewrite, develop an outline that you can use to write a two paragraph essay
  4. Using your outline, write two paragraphs telling me in the 1st person (using I, me, myself, etc.) about your chosen topic
  5. Read and reread your paragraphs
  6. Edit and rewrite your paragraphs to create a finished product which will be turned in tomorrow.

Due date:

Thursday, Aug. 7 or Friday, Aug. 8 (whenever you have class next)

Extra credit:

I will give extra credit to anyone that posts their paragraphs in the comment section of this post AND then proofreads/edits someone else’s paragraph and then reposts it here in the comment section with the edited paragraph, the original writer’s name and then your name.

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28 Responses so far »

  1. 1

    limwy said,

    Hi…. cum n giv me some comments for my paragraph.
    i noe it’s bad, tat’s y i nid ur help…. thx..

    School
    In school, we can study with our friends and teachers. We can also have fun while we’re gaining knowledge. There are many facilities in school, such as, soccer field, library, book store and basketball court.
    When students do something wrong, teachers or principal will give them some punishment. Students have to know that it’s for our benefit. Even some of the school fees is expensive but education and knowledge are always more important than money.
    Hope u can giv me sum comments!!!!!!!!!
    thx. GBU

  2. 2

    Evan Brammer said,

    So Wan Ying Lim is our first poster. Way to go! I hope someone will take the time to edit her paragraphs and post their own as well.

    Please remember to put your FULL name in the name box, i.e. Evan Brammer or whatever.

    Also, for today and today only I will allow comments to be posted automatically without me first approving them so they should appear immediately after you post them.

  3. 3

    L a z z said,

    I love ice cream because there are so many flavors to choose from. There’s chocolate, vanilla, cheese, cookie dough, bubble gum, macademia nut, coconut, strawberry, and many more. My personal favorites are cookie dough, macademia nut, bubble gum, coconut, and cheese. Although there are many delicious ice cream flavours, there are a few that aren’t as tasty. Such as, green tea, and mint.

    Ice cream can taste different when they’re from different stores. There are many stores from which I could buy ice cream but, among all my favorites are Cream And Fudge, Haagen Dazs, and Dairy Queen. I love to go to Cream And Fudge because of the big servings and the delicious combination of ice cream and toppings. They would mix the toppings, syrup, and ice cream together and serve it in a cup, cone, or in a waffle cone in a cup. Haagen Dazs, on the other hand, has the best flavors, including one of my favorites, macademia nut. Dairy Queen also has many ice cream combinations, but, Dairy Queen serves the biggest serving out of all three ice cream shops I like.

    by: Lasmyr Edullantes

  4. 4

    Lasmyr Edullantes said,

    In school, we can study with our friends and teachers. We can also have fun while we’re gaining knowledge. There are many different facilities in school, such as the soccer field, the library, thebook store and the basketball court.
    When students do something wrong, teachers or the principal will give them some punishment. We have to know that it’s for our benefit. Even some of the school fees are expensive but education and knowledge are always more important than money.

    written by: Lim Wan Ying
    Proofread by: Lasmyr Edullantes

    sorry for my last comment, sir. I forgot to change the name.

  5. 5

    limwy said,

    thx, lazz…..

    I love ice cream because there are so many flavors to choose from. There’re chocolate, vanilla, cheese, cookie dough, bubble gum, macademia nut, coconut, strawberry, and many more. Personally my favorite flavors are cookie dough, macademia nut, bubble gum, coconut and cheese. Although there are many delicious ice cream flavors, there is a few that aren’t as tasty. Such as, green tea and mint.

    Ice cream can taste different when they’re from different stores. There are many stores from which I could buy ice cream but among all my favorites are Cream And Fudge, Haagen Dazs, and Dairy Queen. I love to go to Cream And Fudge because of the big servings and the delicious combination of ice cream and toppings. They would mix the toppings, syrup and ice cream together and serve it in a cup, cone or in a waffle cone in a cup. Haagen Dazs, on the other hand, has the best flavors, including one of my favorites, macademia nut. Dairy Queen also has many ice cream combinations, but, Dairy Queen serves the biggest serving out of all three ice cream shops I like.

    Written by: Lasmyr Edullantes
    Proofread by: Wan Ying Lim

  6. 6

    calvc said,

    Hi Mr. B
    Its Me Calvin, here’s my paragraph hope you like it

    Movies
    One Of my Favorite thing to do is watching movies, and I’ve watched a lot of movies in my life. The things that I like about movies are first i can see someone’s work that start from an ideas until it turned into a very enjoyable motion picture. Second things, is that i can see various actor and artists perform or play a character that is very different from their lives and they can act it, like if the character so real and alive. The last thing is that I can see different director put all of the aspect of the movies together in to a two hours length motion pictures(one of my favorite director is Steven Spielberg)

    The Kind of movies that I like or enjoy are Science Fiction because science fiction can bring up new ideas for new technology(such as Star Wars, Star Trek, Back to the Future). I also love animation movies especially Pixar’s
    movies because they can make a cartoon act and look similar to the real things. But not to forget I also enjoy action/adventure and comedy movies.
    But, the main thing is that movies show me a work of art showed by an enjoyable motion pictures

    By: Calvin C
    See you tomorrow

  7. 7

    rayns raymond gunawan said,

    well sir… here i am!
    proofread mine guys!

    SLEEP

    For me, the best place to sleep comfortably was my own bedroom. My bedroom had windows which lets the sun come through my windows. Since the sun’s torch may sometimes be too shiny, or too hot, the best time for me is the evening. Although the sun is shinier to the eyes, but the heat that comes was not too hot. With a blend of the cold wind, it is so comfortable. But when I want more sun, I could just grab a chair and sleep on my mom’s balcony. Sadly, I can’t do this often since it just makes me stay down in neither my bed or chair.

    People like me who gets up early at 5 A.M to go to school of course needs more sleep or still wants to go to bed, I had couple tips to bring you the best at sleeping at your car. I prepare myself with 2 pillows, blanket and a jacket. When the weather is too cold, wear neither a blanket or jacket. Always put one pillow for your back, and one to be hugged or just for holding. Set your car conditioning at one or two and you’re ready to sleep comfortably! By: Raymond Gunawan, See u!

  8. 8

    hee kyung(gr.10) said,

    I like watching television, so when I feel boring I sometimes turn on the TV. Then, I can watch movie stars, news, animations, dramas etc. However, my mother said that it is not good because it can interrupt to study. But I don’t think like that, because I can get information a lot by many channels such as national geography and discovery channel.
    If I don’t know about our environment, I can get information about environment easily through environment documentary in the TV. Even I can hear other countries’ news.

    And another reason why I like watching TV is that it can give me some fun. when I’m boring, I can get fun from watching TV. So it will make g
    et out of stress. Therefore, Watching television is not all bad so I’m qualified to watching TV.

  9. 9

    Spencer Christian said,

    Dear Mr.Brammer and friends, here is my paragraphs..
    Please read through it and tell me if there’s anything wrong. Thanks.

    Cars
    One thing I love the most in this world is cars. As I know, cars are the second most used transportation device in the world. And I love them because cars provide me almost everything that I need, comfort, entertainments (music,etc.), and its speed to take me somewhere faster and to save my time.

    My cars cannot work without maintenance. Its tyres, wheels, suspensions, and especially engines are important to be taken care of. How I mantain their “health” are by checking the tyres’ air pressure in every two weeks, also by doing what is called as “spooring” and “balancing” to the tyres and wheels every month to maintain their stability on the road. For the engines, I need to check few important things, such as the battery, which needs to be checked everytime I want to turn my car on, its oil, which needs to be changed every 5000 KM distance travelled, and its radiator water, brakes oil, and clutch oil, which need to be changed every year.

    Cars don’t only have positive sides, they also have the negative sides. The first of all is that they cause air-pollution which cause worse global-warming, especially those coaches and trucks with black smoke wasted. The second one is their prices. Yes, there are used cars that costs not so much amount of money, but look at their quality. I realized that to get a better car, I need to spend more money which can cost me billions of rupiahs. Well, the conclusion is that even though cars are good transportation devices, their effects to the environment also needs to be considered as a problem.

    (I really need your help to fix them. Thanks again.)
    God bless you all..

    By : Spencer Christian 8A

  10. 10

    rayns said,

    now. I’ll edit Calvin’s then!

    One Of my Favorite thing to do is watching movies and I’ve watched a lot of movies in my life. The things that I like about movies are: first, i can see someone’s work that start from an ideas until it turned into a very enjoyable motion picture. Second, I can see various actor and artists perform or play one role that’s very different from their lives and they can act like the role they got and they could act the character so realistic and make them looks like they were alive. The last thing is that I can see different director put all of the aspect of the movies together in to a two hours length motion pictures like ones made by Steven Spielberg, which is my favorite Director.

    The Genre of movies that I like or enjoy are Science Fiction because science fiction can bring up new ideas for new technology(such as Star Wars, Star Trek, Back to the Future). I also love animation movies especially movies produced and made by Pixar.
    They can make a cartoon movies and the characters acts and it look quite similar to the realistic world. But not to forget I also enjoy action/adventure and comedy movies.
    But, the main thing is that movies shows me a work of art showed from a form of motion picture, which is enjoyable.

    PROOFREAD BY: Raymond Gunawan
    WRITTEN BY: CALVIN C.

  11. 11

    Spencer Christian said,

    Hee Kyung, sorry that I made some corrections in yours.. (Peace..)

    I like to watch television, so when I feel bored I turn on my TV. Then, I watch either movies, news, animations, dramas, or something else. However, my mother said that it is not good because it can interrupt my study. But I don’t think so, because I can get lots of informations by watching national geography, discovery channel, etc.
    If I don’t know about our environment, I can get information about it easily through environment documentary in the TV. Even I can know what is going on in other countries by watching TV.

    Another reason why I like to watch TV is that it can give me some fun. When I’m bored, I can get rid of it by watching TV. So it will make my stress reduced. Therefore, watching television also have benefits, so I guess I’m qualified to watch TV.

    I know that it’s not really perfect, but I hope it helps. Thanks, God bless you…

    (Originally written by : Hee Kyung(gr.10))
    (Proofread by : Spencer Christian)

  12. 12

    Spencer Christian said,

    Raymond, can you please get mine fixed ?

    Thanks, God bless you..

    – Spencer Christian

  13. 13

    Bella said,

    Mr brammer this is my first homework
    My english is just average, so you will easyly edit it
    To those who need extra credit you can just proofreads/edit it freely.

    Topic : Car

    I likely to use car as my tramsportation for going to the place i would like to go to. Actually i know that it is not good, because the Air Conditioner is not healthy. Another reason is that by using car i would not do much sport, rather than if i ride a bycicle,and is also unhealthy for me. But in this time and condition i think using car will still be the best choice.

    I feel comfortable with my car. In my car i like to eat my breakfast, especially when there is no more time in the morning. Also when i am boring in the traffic jump or in my way home i will do some writing or doing my homework. Another one is wearing my sock in the car. So i feel my car morely like a second home for me.

    The-End

  14. 14

    calvc said,

    K, here’s some correction that I made for you.Well hope it helps..
    SLEEP

    For me, the best place to sleep comfortably is in my own bedroom. My bedroom has windows to let the sun lights reflect, Since the sun’s torch sometimes too shiny, or too hot, the best time for me to sleep is in the evening. Although the sun light is shinier when its shine straight to the room, but the heat that comes was not too hot. With a blend of the cold wind, it is so comfortable to make me asleep . But when I want more sunlight , I could just grab a chair and sleep on my mom’s balcony. Sadly, I can’t do this often since it just makes me stay down in neither my bed or chair.

    People like me who gets up early at 5 A.M for school of course needs more sleep or still wants to go to bed, I have couple of tips to make you enjoy your sleeping time while you were in your car. I prepare myself with 2 pillows, blanket and a jacket, just in case it’s too cold, wear neither a blanket or jacket. Always put one pillow for your back, and one to be hugged or just for holding. Set your car conditioning at one or two and you’re ready to sleep.

    Originally Written by : Raymond Gunawan/ 8A
    Proofread by : Calvin Caleb/ 8A

  15. 15

    calvc said,

    Well Raymond I’ve done yours
    Lots of thanks for doing mine

  16. 16

    William Nanda [BiLL] said,

    School

    School is a place where teachers & students are there. School trains students to make them become a better person in the future. School searched for a “high-skilled” teacher so that they could give their knowledge to their student bestly that affects the student to become a better person.

    For me, school is very important, why? It is because they teaches me many important stuffs like being more polite, obedience & others. Instead of teaching me important stuffs, they provides me with great quality. For instance, GYM [Gynasium] , Activity Room, Chapel, Soccer Field, Basketball Field & others.

    School is important for me, but instead of that, school is really funt for me. Instead of “draining” our teacher’s knowledge, we can make more friends to chat with, share with, cry with, laugh with & to play with. The reason of why do we paid so much money for our education [school] is because the teacher. It refers that we paid the school to find a good quality teacher to be our teacher and so that they can give their knowledge wisely so that we can be “genius” in the future.

    N please can someone fixed my essay….
    Pretty pleasee…..

    William Nanda 8B

  17. 17

    seo young said,

    topic-movie

    i like to watch movies, especially korean movies. i like to watch movies because many movies give us laugh ad impress. and if sometimes my favorite actor or handsome actors are playing in the movie, it gives twice fun to watch. also very good movies makes me feel or thought about the message or the lesson that the movie want to give the audience and the god movie’s summary reminds in my mind.

    there are many kinds of movies such as romance, horror, action, and fantasy. i mostly like action and romance movies. i like romance movie because i usually love to read a romance novel, comic book, or story. and sometimes romance movie gives people dreams that can’t come true but i think dreaming these kind of things are not so bad because once, i also had dream of it. and the most reason that i like romance movie is because usually in romance movie, it is playing by good actors.

    i also like action movie because the acting and the movements that are played in movies are very cool and exciting, especially when they turn the guns before the shoot and the techniques that they show. second reason is that i think action movie is between romance and horror because in action movies, sometimes there are scenes that are touching and the scenes that are very cruel. the last reason is that from my experiences, i always feel satisfied after i watch action movie.

  18. 18

    seo young said,

    —————————————————————————————————-

    school is like a home for teachers and students. school helps and trains students to be a better person in the future. school finds a “high-skilled” teacher who can give their students their best knowledge to make students a better person.

    for my opinion, school is very important for me, why? it’s because
    that they teaches more than education such as being more polite, obedience. the school provides important stuffs, but they also provides me with a great quality. GYM [gynasium], activitiy room, chapel soccer field and basketball field is an example of great quality.

    school is important for me because the school is really fun for me.
    Instead of “draining”our teacher’s knowledge, we can make more friends to chat with, share with, cry with, laugh with & to play with. i think the reason of why are we paying so much money for our school is because of thechers. we are paying the school so much money
    for school to find good quality teachers so that good quality teachers can give us good quality education and help us to be “genius” in the future.
    —————————————————————————————————-

    originally written by:william nanda
    proofed by: seo young

  19. 19

    - Jason Lim - said,

    Hi Mr. Brammer.
    This is Jason from 8A and here is my paragraph about school. If I do make any mistake (which i have). Please help me.

    In school, I learn not just about english, math, science, and others. But I learn how to behave myself and to be polite to each other. Being polite to others means that I am willing to help them out if they have problems, and as return, they will also be helping my out. Not just only being polite to friends, but to everyone I have met in my daily life. I didn’t just learn about being polite and behaving myself, i also learn to give appreciation to other people’s work. I learn to appreciate other people’s work even though I think it could be done better. Showing respect to others is also one of the thing I and the rest of you need to show. I call anyone older than me Mister, Miss, Brother or Sister.

    Not only just learning, school is also about making friends and having fun. Purpose of making friends is not only about playing with them, or hang out with them, but to help them out if they come face-to-face with any difficulties. Having friends who can help you are what is called a ‘friend’. If any of my friends helped me in anything, I would help them back someday. somehow. Homework are not the only thing they helped me, but they also help me in my life, how should I make my life better. And that is what friends are really for. So if you make any friends who likes to help you, and you are willing to help them. It will be perfect

    Sign,
    Jason Lim
    8A

  20. 20

    choi min joo said,

    Television…

    (feel free to correct my mistakes~~~thanx)

    I do believe that we can learn something from everywhere, and I think one of them is televison. Actually, I improved my listening skill by watching the ‘E’ channel; which is my favorite channel. My parents think that watching television doesn’t help with my study, well, I disagree with it. In television there are many show programs, but on the other hand it also has many education programs, such as, maybe the news. By watching many education and english channel, I also have learned that from everywhere, I can learn something.

    Televison is useful to learn something, but still I watch it because it’s fun. watching television is the only thing I can do when I’m bored. I love watching television, but I also do love watching movies. I think I spend most of my time on watching television. I just can’t stop watching television if I start to watch it.

    Written by: Min Joo gr10

  21. 21

    choi min joo said,

    Don not feel bad about the correction….^^

    Topic : Car

    I like to use car as the transportation for going to the places I would like to go. Actually I know it is not good, because the Air Condition is not healthy. Another reason is that of I’m using the carthen I would not do much sport, rather than if I ride a bycicle, and is not good for my health. But in this time and condition I think using car will still be the best choice.

    I feel comfortable with my car. In my car I like to eat my breakfast, especially when Idon’t have enough time in the morning. Also when I’m bored with the traffic jump in my way home, I will do some writing or do my homework. secondly, it’s wearing socks in the car. I feel my car is like a second home for me.

    Originally written by:Bella
    Proofed by:Min Joo

  22. 22

    choi min joo said,

    hey, mr. brammer

    I loved the video that you saw us during the korean time!!

    it was sooooooo sweet^^

    and your son is super cute^^

  23. 23

    so young said,

    Hi sir, this is so young ^^
    Here is my work hahaha I chose the topic Movie.

    Movie is really good. Movie can make us cry or laugh and sometimes it touches our heart, especially the true story movies. Movie also gave us good moral of life. In the other hand, some movies are really bad and if it’s serious, it could be a motive of murder. There are many types of genre such as comic, action, romance, fantasy, comic action and etc.

    My favorite genre of movie is comic action, such as Kung Fu Hustle, Rush Hour and etc. since I was young, I loved to watch movies but for sure that was animation movies. I’ve watched so a lot of movies and I can’t even count them, cause there are too many.
    5 years ago, I was almost addicted to movie and I watched at least 1 or 2 movies every week. To be frankly, there are more than six hundred DVDs in my house, including dramas whether you believe it or not. I really love watching movies and I’m pretty sure that I will love it till I die.

  24. 24

    so young said,

    Hi min ju hihihi I think only your writing is not editted yet kk

    I do believe that we can learn something from everywhere, and I think one of them is televison. Actually, I have improved my English listening skill by watching the ‘E’ channel, which is my favorite channel. My parents think that watching television doesn’t help me with my studies, but I disagree with it. There are many show programs in television, but on the other hand it also has a lot of education programs, such as news. By watching education and english channel regularly, I also can learn that from everywhere, I can learn something.

    Televison is useful to learn something, but still the reason why I watch it is because it’s fun. watching television is the only thing that I can do when I’m bored. I love watching television and I also love watching movies. I think I spend most of my time to watch television. I just can’t stop watching television if I start to watch it.

    Written by: Min Joo gr10
    edit: so young 10

    I feel comfortable with my car. In my car i like to eat my breakfast, especially when there is no more time in the morning. Also when i am boring in the traffic jump or in my way home i will do some writing or doing my homework. Another one is wearing my sock in the car. So i feel my car morely like a second home for me.

  25. 25

    choi min joo said,

    dear so young, stop watching movies too much!!!!

    study hard!!!!^^

    i love your writting, your paragraphs are good,

    and thanks you for correcting mine^^

  26. 26

    Vincent said,

    sir feel free tp check my mistakes^^

    Topic : Car

    I like cars, first is because of its model which make me interested on. I aggregate lots of different brand and types of car miniatures. I really admire the new type of cars. For me myslef looking at cars especially the miniature can remove my stress from my lesson at school, or any other thing that make me stress.
    Me myself collecting car miniatures is a hobby for me. I myself had been years gathering lots of different types of car miniatures, although it uses time and carefulness to look at every car to select on. Though, all of car miniatures are not the same. The model from the car made me astonish that people can make miniatures with a similarity on its model as the original ones.
    The satisfaction that I have in collecting car miniatures made me so impressed and enjoy. With having a lot of satisfaction on collecting car miniatures, I design several cars by drawing and sketching.

    Written by Vincent

  27. 27

    Vincent said,

    Sorry Hee Kyung, I correct several of your mistake!

    I like watching television, so when I feel boring sometimes I turn on the TV. I can watch movie stars, news, animations, dramas etc. However, my mother said that it is not good because it can interrupt my school lesson. Actually I don’t think its like that, because I can get information a lot more from channels such as national geography and discovery channel.
    If I don’t know about our environment, I can get information about environment easily through environment documentary in the TV. Even I can hear other countries’ news.

    Another reason why I like watching TV is that it can give me some fun. when I’m boring, I can get fun from watching TV. It can get rid out of stress. Therefore, Watching television is not all bad so I’m qualified to watch TV.

    Originally written by : Hee Kyung
    Proofread or edit by : Vincent

  28. 28

    hee kyung(gr.10) said,

    Sorry bella~, my correct is not good-;;;

    I like use car as my transportation for going to the places where I would like to go. But I know that is not good, because the Air Conditioner is not good for our health and I do sport rarely by using car. However recently, many people use car and think it is the best choice when we go.

    When I take a ride in a car, I feel comfortable. Although I’m bored with the traffic jam in the way to go home, I can eat my breakfast, wear my socks and do my homework in the car. Then I feel my car is like a second home.

    Originally written by : Bella
    Proofread or edit by : Hee Kyung


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